Welcome to "Capitalism vs. Socialism: The Ultimate Cage Match," where in one corner we have the reigning champion of economic systems, and in the other, the plucky underdog that just won't stay down no matter how many times history knocks it out.

Folks, we're living in a time where "democratic socialism" is the hot new trend. It's like capitalism, but with more participation trophies and a side of government-issued tofu. Because nothing says "land of opportunity" like everyone getting an equal share of mediocrity, am I right?

Now, I know what you're thinking: "But what about those Nordic countries? They're doing great!" Yeah, and I'm sure their sky-high taxes and $20 Big Macs are just a coincidence. It's all fun and games until you're paying 60% of your income so your neighbor's pet rock can get free college.

Let's be real, democratic socialism is like that friend who always offers to split the bill equally after ordering lobster while you had a side salad. Sounds fair until you're the one footing the bill for someone else's caviar dreams.

And don't even get me started on the "free market is evil" crowd. These are the same people who think the government that can't figure out how to fill a pothole should be in charge of the entire economy. Because if there's one thing bureaucrats are known for, it's efficiency and innovation, right?

But fear not, fellow patriots! Capitalism isn't going down without a fight. It's the economic equivalent of Rocky Balboa - it might take a beating, but it always comes out on top. After all, it's capitalism that gave us smartphones, air conditioning, and yes, even those overpriced artisanal beard oils your hipster neighbor swears by.

So here's to preserving American capitalism - where the American Dream is alive and well, and the only thing being redistributed is opportunity. Because in capitalism, the only limit to your success is your willingness to work hard and your ability to convince people that your latest app idea isn't just Uber for goldfish.

Now, let's hear from you, fellow freedom-lovers! Which of these Freedom2O bottle labels do you think best captures the spirit of preserving American capitalism?

1. "Socialism Repellent"
2. "Free Market Fuel"
3. "Capitalist Quencher"
4. "Opportunity Oasis"
5. "Liberty Libation"

Cast your vote in the comments! And remember, unlike in socialism, your choice actually matters here.

Drink up, America. Stay hydrated, stay capitalist, and remember - in the game of economic systems, capitalism is the only one where you can actually win. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to start a lemonade stand before Sanders tries to nationalize it.